"Are you enjoying the Contrast?"

Death and I have a very intimate relationship.  Only because of the many accidents and asthma attacks that have come within a hair’s breadth of ending it for me.  As a child, during the asthma attacks I begged for it, if I were to be honest. So, we’ve been dueling for most of my many decades.  I haven’t talked about it a lot, I haven’t written about it.  Seems like a good time to do so.

See, I almost met my maker yesterday.  It really threw me.  I have spent a not insignificant portion of my life in a state of tenuous existence, due to extremely severe asthma attacks.  These lasted days throughout my childhood, were extremely traumatic and messed me up really thoroughly.  They were so bad that I begged God for hours on end to just let me die; I wasn’t breathing anyway, so what was the point?  Why pretend?  It was just to painful and so fucking scary to be looking death in the eye, not by choice, with every wheeze.  Starting at age two.

Yet even with all that, there have been only three times in my life that I knew I was going to die.  My time was up, and there was only to accept it.  The first was a really bad car wreck in 1980 (in fact, the same day Mt. St. Helens erupted, May 18).  The second was New Years’ Eve, 1995.  We had thrown a party, my live-in boyfriend and I; everyone had a blast, but for me it was too much fun.  If I laugh too much, something gets triggered and it turns into a horrible asthma attack.  That’s what happened.  It was so bad, it hit me so hard and fast, that I just knew I wouldn’t survive.  We wouldn’t get to the hospital in time.  I spent the first 5 days of 1996 in the hospital while they tried to stabilize me.

And then there was yesterday. Sophie and I took an early walk, and our neighbor joined us.  After he came in for breakfast; I had made a huge pot of quinoa after finally replenishing my supply at the co-op.  While eating, he was telling a story and I laughed, with quinoa in my mouth.

Oh. Crap.

With asthma as severe as mine, the whole breathing/eating/drinking thing is a bit dicey.  I can’t eat when I’m wheezing, there’s no way when the bronchials are in spasm.  But what happened yesterday was different.  I inhaled what felt like a half teaspoon of the partially chewed grains.  Instantly I stood up, and almost left my body, watching the thoughts go by, watching myself go stand by the sink, coughing over it.  Until the food went down even further and blocked my windpipe virtually entirely. When I inhaled (which I was trying not to do, worried about pulling the food in even further), because it was automatic, there was no air coming in, just a horrible noise.  I couldn’t cough at this point at all.  I managed to communicate to my friend to call 911.  I watched myself realize that this was it.  The ambulance wouldn’t get here in time and I was done for.  This is it? I asked myself.  This is how it ends, choking on quinoa in my kitchen?

The next thought (these were all rapid fire, all in a second) was, How do I want to spend the last minutes of my life?  And the answer was, not freaking out.  Then I’ll just surrender, was my next thought.

It was that one that stopped the panic track in my head. I just surrendered there, and I felt my body relax a little bit.  Something shifted in my throat and I took a tiny breath through my nose.  Cautiously, another. Eventually I could croak to my friend, I think I’ll be okay.

I stood over the sink, coughing for the next five minutes, trying to get that quinoa up.  During that time, the Emergency dispatch called back.  After hearing what happened, they urged him to call if I wasn’t okay.

I rested on the couch for 20 minutes, working on calming my nerves and my brain.

I got to work, only 10 minutes late, and carried on as normal.  But I wasn’t in my body yet, I was hovering above it, so detached.  I decided to go home for my lunch break, which I rarely do.  As soon as I got in the door, tears started flowing.  I obviously had more processing and releasing to do!

What struck me about all this was the timing. I have been listening to a lot of awesome Abraham audios on youtube.  I have been listening to Abraham for 30 years, and have always found it so supporting and fulfilling; Abraham has a brilliant sense of humor, doesn’t sugar-coat anything, and tells ya like it is with compassion and unconditional love and piercing insight that few humans can match.  Having that non-physical perspective helps a lot!

The messages that have really hit home for me the last few days are about the Contrast.  That’s what Abraham calls the crap we all have to deal with, the contrast being what is happening that isn’t what we want.  The flat tire late at night, the vicious co-worker, the sudden accident, a relationship turned sour are all examples of the Contrast (to what we want).

I am a really good manifestor.  I know energy—I channel many different frequencies, I read energy, I feel it to degrees that most people don’t.  And It’s All Energy, as both science and Abraham assure us.  So why do I still have so much Contrast, I’ve been pondering.

One comment from the audience in one of these audios was a woman explaining how she has come to love the contrast.  She’s riding it like a wave, knowing each experience will broaden her spectrum of experience and life wisdom.  She’s not taking it personally, but including it in her observations of life and herself experiencing it.

I really took what she said to heart, and tried to see my life and the usual trials and tribulations through that lens.  It was fun!  I really appreciated that new insight!  I resolved to maintain that higher perspective for myself and my own living, no matter what curveballs from the Universe came at me.

I looked forward to the weekend to contemplate this more.

But, after work Friday afternoon, I decided to go for a walk along some old farm roads on the shores of Lake Champlain.  I hadn’t been there in some time, and really missed it.  I took a big crystal wand, and another crystal for my left hand, and the whole time I walked I visualized, I focused very precisely on several positive, life-affirming things.  I channeled Love and Healing and Universal Light frequencies as I walked, feeding these beautiful energies into the environment, into Gaia, offering it to the Universe with love and gratitude.  I experienced perfect bliss, walking in the sunshine with the views of the Adirondacks and beautiful meadows and birds to accompany me.  I also focused on my physical body—affirming my strength, my flexibility, all the qualities I wanted to regain, seeing my physical body returning to its original blueprint of perfection.  The knee that’s been problematic totally healed; my ankle, healed; my lungs/asthma, healed.

I felt so incredible, so full of light, I really felt like I had melted back into Oneness… I sat by the water and channeled the Deva of Lake Champlain, being Love and Gratitude on behalf of everyone I know and love.

All good, right?

Well, remember that Contrast? 

As soon as I got home, the knee exploded with pain.  Wow.  I mean, breathtaking pain.  Writhing-in-agony pain.  In between waves of anguish, I was able to step back and marvel at how high and steeped in love and oneness I had been only a little while before, and now was experiencing the complete opposite.  It was fascinating!!!

And then, a few days later, I almost die most ignominiously in my kitchen.  Ah, yes, the Contrast.  But really, WTH???

Well, the next day I woke up and the knee was okay.  Stable, for its condition, shall I say.  But I am onto it now.  I get it.  Don’t get complacent!, is the moral of that story, because there will be more Contrast the minute I let my guard down!  (now, that’s not really the lesson, but that’s the first thing I took from it.  I’ll have to let that go later  :-)

The really fun part—I’ve saved the best for last—is that I am going to see Abraham and Esther Hicks (and Jerry, RIP) for real, live, in Boston this weekend.  So Abraham will explain it all to me.

I’m so looking forward to hanging out with Abraham and all the other kindred spirits who’ll be there.  It’s Time; it’s all aligned perfectly for me to be there, and I’m grateful for the chance to experience really high frequencies that I’m not channeling!

And when Abraham makes it all make sense for me, I’ll pass it on.  In the meantime, watch that Contrast!   :-)